I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
