that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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