Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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