k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
