mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
