I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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