Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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