he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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