FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
