Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
