I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
