not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
