i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
