Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You are the jesus of drinking
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
