Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
