I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
