fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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