Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
