I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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