I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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