He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
