I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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