Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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