how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
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Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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