Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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