I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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