I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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