just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
