How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize