So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
