Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
