if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
