I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
did you just send me my own nude
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
