We need to rekindle our bromance
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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