omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In other news, I just burned my penis
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
