I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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