The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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