drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We smell like vodka and hangover
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