he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
