Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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