we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
