I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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