I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
