Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I stole a fireplace last night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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