I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
