I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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