He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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