He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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