I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
