He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
