her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
