i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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