Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
