Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just invented taco cereal.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
