Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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