Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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