hotel room ftw
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
