walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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