It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
