life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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